Responding to the Parental Preference in Bedtime Routine

Parental preference and the guilt that comes with it are something that many relate to!

Have you ever been in a position where your child insists on being put to sleep by you, but you don’t have the time?

Your spouse attempts to do the same routine, only for your child to burst out, “NOOOO!! Only Mommy will do it!!”

This usually occurs around the time when a new baby is being introduced to the household, or during other significant changes in a toddler’s life.

Perhaps, you have been doing bedtime for your child, and now, all of a sudden, you can’t because you have to look after your new baby. Your newborn, on the other hand, is inconsolable.

To begin with, try and remove any feelings of shame and guilt. It isn’t personal. Don’t worry – it’s quite standard for young children to have such preferences.

Reasons for Parental Preference

Prefer the Way a Certain Parent Does Bedtime

Consider a child whose parents take turns putting them to bed. One parent provides songs, snuggles, walks through the reading routine, and tucks them in. Their brain is fixated on how wonderful it always feels to have this parent put them to bed, they want this every night. The other parent does everything they can to imitate the same routine…but something is slightly different. Perhaps it was the vowel sound they used to sing the lullaby, or the facial expressions and voices used for the characters in the storybook. So all of a sudden, the child gets upset and protests against the second parent. This is taxing on the non-preferred parent, and it becomes a persistent power struggle. If the non-preferred parent is now upset, angry or frustrated during the bedtime routine, it only makes the child that much more resistant; finding themselves desiring the wonderful feeling they felt with the initial parent, even more than before.

They Spend Less Time With One Parent During The Day

When a child is with one parent all day, they often prefer the parent who has more time with the child to put them to bed. This is not an indication that the child prefers or loves one parent more than the other. It simply means their brain has familiarity with having time with one parent and desires routine.

They Might Be Looking For Control

Think about your child standing with a bucket on their head that is marked “power.” All day long, each time they’ve been asked to do something, whether at home, at daycare, or at school, it costs them a drop in their power bucket. By bedtime, their power bucket could be full of holes.

If a child is in an empty power bucket, they will do everything in their power to get that bucket full again. Oftentimes, this might appear to be battles around issues like which parent puts them to bed!

Keep this in mind: parental preference during bedtime is NOT because one parent loves one of them more than the other one, and usually it isn’t something that they continue long term.

How to Handle Parental Preference When Your Child Is Upset

The following are four things you can do when your child is upset with the other parent getting bedtime.

Step 1: Validate Feelings

When your child desires one parent more than the other, it matters that they’re aware that you notice and perceive this preference. They’re not attempting to misbehave or hurt your emotions. Their head is just glued on wanting this one parent.

If they feel they aren’t being heard, they will become louder and louder to ensure they are heard. Instead, by embracing and validating their emotions, you are ensuring that they feel heard. This can reduce meltdowns and large reactions.

“I hear you want Mom to tuck you in. It’s my turn tonight. I can do it if this is hard for you.”

Step 2: Set the Boundary

It is crucial to realize that even when a child complains and insists on the same parent each night, it’s all right to say no.

Actually, it is really strong for a child to feel that you will stand firm with your boundaries, and put them to bed even when they are demanding the other parent. It demonstrates that your love does not change even if they are furious with you. It may make them feel secure and sleep within your boundaries.

“Mom can’t tuck you in bed tonight. It will be me. I understand that it is difficult. I know you like that moment with Mom.”

Step 3: Cooperate

When your child favors one parent at bedtime, it is great to involve your child in coming up with the solution. Investigate – why do they like this parent better? Perhaps this parent does something at bedtime that the child loves dearly, perhaps the child spends more time throughout the day with this parent, or perhaps you must bring something unique into your repertoire.

To work with your child, you could say:

“I hear you miss bedtime with Mom. You like it when Mom puts you to bed. I wonder what it is that you like about Mom putting you to bed. Can you help me understand?”

Step 4: Add in Playfulness

Playfulness can also help to de-escalate tantrums, remove some of the tension from the situation, and it can be a stress-reliever for you as well as the child!

For instance, if your toddler insists on having Mom in bed at night, you can use silliness to de-escalate the situation:

“I know. You only want Mommy. I enjoy playing with her too. She’s soooo much fun. But can she do this?” (Make a goofy face.)

The non-preferred parent might attempt to establish a special handshake or ritual to increase playfulness within the routine.

Why infant only wants Mom

It’s quite normal for an infant to display a strong inclination towards their mother, especially within the first year of their life. This attachment is built in a natural progression, as most babies attach comfort/completion, nourishment, and safety with their mother. A mother’s odors, voice, and heartbeat offer very high levels of comfort, even more so for the mother who is typically a baby’s main caregiver. This attachment is healthy, however, it can be exhausting for other caregiving individuals who may feel rejected. But this stage is typically short-term. As the baby matures and starts to venture forth into the world, they start to accept other trusted adults with increasing ease. Gentle consistency, similar routines, and interaction time with the second parent or caregiver can extend the infant’s circle of trust. Patience is essential—attending to the baby’s emotional needs at this time sets the stage for secure relationships down the road. Keep in mind that this strong attachment is a healthy indicator of development, not of rejection.

How Long Does Parental Preference Last?

When a parent is working to manage parental preference, they ask themselves: “Will it be like this forever?”

This is a question that works. Sometimes it may seem like this parental preference would never subside. While we have no such definitive age where children will give up on their preference for bedtime with one or the other of their parents, we can resort to what we know about how children develop. From a development point of view, three considerations are involved in answering this question.

Regulating Emotions

Parental preference and accompanying tantrums are typical for children who have not yet acquired skills for emotional regulation. Self-regulation takes time, practice, and growth. It’s normal to see signs of self-regulation around age 5-7. This may appear as:

Less crying when mom doesn’t sing the bedtime song in the same way as dad.
Shorter tantrums when mom is out and dad does the bedtime routine.
Less protesting at bedtime when the preferred parent isn’t doing the routine.

Understanding Logic

Young children can’t understand logic. When they’re upset because you don’t do Princess Belle’s voice the right way, and sing the wrong words to “You Are My Sunshine”, it won’t help to try and explain.

Unhelpful statements: “I’m reading the same book mommy reads to you… There’s no need to get upset.”
Helpful statements: “Daddy isn’t reading the book like you want. I bet mommy does Princess Belle’s voice like you do! Can you show me how she does it?”

Unhelpful statements: “I don’t know all the words to ‘You Are My Sunshine’, it’s been a million years since I’ve sung the entire song, so how would I know all the words?”
Helpful statements: “You are angry because I don’t sing the song just like mommy does. I understand. You like it when mommy sings.”

Tolerating Mixed Feelings

Children don’t have the brain maturation to balance two emotions simultaneously. They have a single-minded focus, so they are “this or that” thinkers.

Example 1: Either Dad’s putting me into bed, or I’m not sleeping.
Example 2: Either mom tucks me into bed, or I won’t feel secure.

As kids become older, around 5-7 years of age, they start to endure inner conflict. They become “both-and” thinkers.

Example 1: I’m both angry that my dad can’t tuck me in, and compassionate that my baby sister requires my mom’s attention at this moment.
Example 2: I can be afraid when mom is not home, and secure when dad does the bedtime ritual.

When children demonstrate “both-and” thinking, you can expect fewer and less intense bedtime struggles of parental preference power.

Positive Reminders during Difficult Moments

It is a personal attack, somehow, when a baby or toddler does not like one parent at bedtime. It even feels that way overnight, with the added sense that it will never go away. During those difficult moments, remember:

1. Your child wanting another parent does not mean you are failing. It means that your child trusts you enough to let their big feelings and desires out to you.
2. This is not an attack on you as a person.
3. This feeling your child has will pass away someday.
4. They can feel this way, AND you can still proceed with bedtime.

If you’re struggling at bedtime, we can help! Packed with easy-to-digest lessons and practical bedtime tools, our Solving Bedtime Battles course dives deep into parental preference, early morning wakings, night wakings, room sharing, nighttime fears, separation struggles, and soooo much more.

Key Takeaways

Parental preference at bedtime is common, especially during major transitions, and is not a reflection of a child’s love for one parent over the other.

The child’s preference can be caused by such things as how a particular parent performs at bedtime, how much time the child gets with each parent during the day, or the child wanting control.

Parents should listen to their child’s feelings and show empathy, even if they cannot honor the preference.

Having boundaries, even when the child complains, can be effective and make them feel secure.

Working with your child and problem-solving together can assist in comprehending their preference and potentially bring new elements into the routine.

Bringing playfulness to the situation can assist in diffusing tantrums and stress relief.

There is no definitive answer to how long parental preference will endure, but as your child grows older and exhibits signs of “both-and” thinking, you can expect less frequent and intense parental preference power struggles at bedtime.

Remembering that this situation is not a personal attack and won’t last forever can help parents handle these challenging moments.